The Keeper of the iBook

MacWorld San Francisco 2001 Predictions

By Mark Newhouse, <ibook_keeper@mac.com>
January 3, 2000

As the next MacWorld Conference and Expo draws closer I thought it would be fun to make some predictions about what will happen there - particularly at the keynote on January 9.

AAPL
Apple Stock will show a slight upturn just before the Expo opens, followed by a drop of 5 points following Jobs' keynote - regardless of what he announces...

Yawn...
Jobs will spend the first half of the keynote recounting the July keynote from MWNY 2000. Conspicuously absent will be references to record setting (poor) sales for the Cube and iMacs, as well as any references to Apple's stock price or industry leading 11.5 weeks of inventory...

MHz war? What MHz war?!?
Apple's new three tiered pricing strategy will offer dual processor desktop Macs at Good (500MHz), Marginally Better (533MHz) and Best We Could Do Given the Restraints Placed on Us by Motorola (566MHz)...

If only...
Finding a scapegoat for dismal sales, Jobs and Schiller will publicly hang Ryan Meader in effigy to roars of approval from the crowd...

Tsk, tsk...
Phil Schiller will show some restraint by not swearing (audibly) when his OSX Oni demo hangs the machine...

Surprise!
In a surprise move that will leave many asking "Why didn't I see that coming?" Jobs will call Mickey Drexler up on stage to demonstrate the GAPple™ Wearable Macintosh. Using licensed "always on" technology from the makers of the Blackberry email device, the GAPple will have a persistent internet connection for checking email. Battery life will be enhanced by simply walking and moving around as Apple R and D has been feverishly working on a modification of the windup batteries that everyone was expecting on the iBook. Battery life is extended when wearing the optional solar cell cap. Available in several colors, the GAPple will (finally) make it clear to everyone why Mickey joined the board...

One more thing...
Jobs will exercise his options in an effort to boost Apple's stock price, and make them profitable next quarter. Even though it doesn't help Apple's bottom line, they won't have to pay federal income taxes for the next 10 years due to the losses incurred...

And finally...
in one last desperate attempt to solve the inventory problem so they can "start the quarter clean," attendees will be invited to look under their seats and find a coupon good for a free Cube...

I'll remove my tongue from my cheek now...

Mark Newhouse is the Web Designer for the public outreach arm of the National Optical Astronomy Observatories in Tucson, AZ, where he realizes that being able to poke fun at our favorite company can be healthy...

The iBook image is courtesy Apple Computer, Inc. The iBook icon is courtesy the Iconfactory.